I told you I would dedicate other blogs to more lessons I learned from the book I didn’t want to read to begin with, “Captivating,” by John & Stasi Eldredge. So, this blog is actually about the first lesson I learned. (My “Literary Arrogance” having been second, thereby allowing me to recognize the first as it is associated with this book.) This lesson has to do with my relationship with my boyfriend.
The first thing that I want to say is that I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. He does not ever belittle me or criticize petty things or ask me to do things his way instead of my way. He often encourages me, compliments me, and just, in general, loves me. Actively. Not as in the state of love, but as in the action. Any criticism I ever receive from him is for the purpose of instruction, growth or perspective. He likes to get me to see things in a different way than I have been seeing it, to look at the other person’s side of a story and stretches me when I am being rigid. I honestly cannot remember a time he has ever told me a negative thing over something petty. My point here is that the emotional place I had come to was not his doing. But you don’t know what that emotional place is yet, so I’ll tell you now, and then wrap it all up in a neat little package.
Somehow, I had come to a point in our relationship where I was constantly despairing over the fact that I believed I was not good enough for him. Let me state that this was not always the case in our relationship. I have been, in this same relationship, one of the most secure girlfriends I’ve ever known, completely relaxed in his love. I didn’t stress out about losing him; I didn’t worry that I wasn’t doing enough to keep him. You get the picture. This despair did not come about because of any change in his behavior…unless it was a change in his behavior for the better. See, when we started dating, my boyfriend was an alcoholic. I knew it, and we talked about the fact that he knew I wouldn’t be OK with it long term on our first date. We can get into the wisdom or foolishness of this from my side on another day perhaps, but I will just state that I prayed much over it, and never felt God saying that I should not date him. Quite the opposite in fact. But, moving on…. Let me state that he was also a Christian, and ten months into our relationship (we’re at 2 1/2 years now), he quit drinking. Since that point, I have seen him grow and mature more than I can possibly explain to you. He’s become a passionate spiritual leader. And it’s not that he was immature before. It was just the fact that he had this barrier of alcohol blocking him from being in constant communication with God, as well as keeping him from spending his time learning or studying. I guess I thought that since I was confident in our relationship, I would always be confident in our relationship. I now realize that when circumstances change, emotions are quite ready to follow. Looking back now, I can see that my insecurities probably began to surface when I saw how well he was doing, how mature he was becoming and how meaningfully he was spending his time and pouring out his energy. My heart thought it meant that he would not need me anymore. He had sort of eclipsed me spiritually, so what use was I? The main problem here was that I did not even realize my thought process had changed. However long it had been since the insecurity crept in there, by the time I recognized it through the grace of God and the reading of this book, it was bad. To the point that my heart would twist everything he said. If he said, “You did well on that,” it meant to me, “You must continue doing that well or he will not love you anymore.” I didn’t consciously have these thoughts, or I would’ve known I was being stupid. It was more the attitude I took things in. I was always scrambling to feel like I had something to offer that he would value. If I was drained emotionally, I tried really hard to look pretty. I would go through my day in my mind before I called him, hoping I could think of stories to tell him in which I did something worthwhile, learned something meaningful, improved myself in some way so he wouldn’t think I was a loser. And if he said something negative in the way of instruction, well, it did its own work. That meant he knew there was something wrong with me; I was selfish or lazy or not smart enough. I was not perfect, therefore he would stop loving me.
I know, you’re thinking, how could I do all of this and not recognize it? I’m wondering myself, but I have a feeling it was something Satan knew I cared pretty deeply about, and stuck his big toe into the crevice of my fear…got a good foothold and just kept digging it in. Keep her scared and ignorant of the fact that she’s even scared. She won’t know what’s wrong with her. Good strategy. Thank God (literally) for showing me this. It was taking its toll. I was tired. And I really didn’t know why.
The great thing about this is that it really is something that I can turn off, like a switch. My awareness of it was all I needed. I know it is a silly attitude, and a pointless one. First of all, attempting to be what you think someone else wants you to be will almost inevitably make you exactly what they wish you were not; insecure and wishy-washy because you’re constantly second guessing what your idea of what they might want is along with a host of other really annoying qualities. I know that my boyfriend, most of all, wants me to be who God wants me to be and to do what God wants me to do. So, it’s a re-focus. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all of these things will be added unto you.” God is what I need in order for everything else in my life to be what He’s designed it to be. And I had taken my eyes off of that truth.
So, as to me thinking I was so great at not being a “silly girl,” as I mentioned in my Literary Arrogance blog, I think I had definitely adopted what I would coin a very common, prominent and detrimental ”silly girl” attitude. I recommend this book if you find yourself trying to be the woman you think someone else wants you to be.
Lesson 3 from “Captivating” coming soon.
