Lately, I’ve been trying to evaluate why I seem to be so unproductive in the way of anything with eternal value.  You may have noticed that I’ve still dropped off a bit in the way of posts about my relationship with God.  I’m not ignoring Him…just having a little trouble with what it needs to look like.  And as I’m not good at sharing what I haven’t figured out, you don’t get to be a part of that.  You usually get to hear (read) things when I have mulled over them enough to think I already have them all figured out. 

Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of things.  One is this: my boyfriend was trying to encourage me recently and pointed out how David just walked out to face Goliath; he didn’t hesitate or seem iffy on whether it was God’s will.  He just did it.  In considering this, I realized he was right.  So, I read the story again.  My issue with it was that it seemed to contrast an idea that I held based on the story of Abraham.  I mention this in my “Ambition” post.  I say that I have determined we are to wait for God’s hand befor we take action in a direction, even when the outcome seems impossible if we do not take matters into our own hands, because when Abraham took matters into his own hands (think Ishmael vs. Isaac), he totally screwed up the rest of history.  So, when I was considering David’s situation in context of Abraham’s, I realized quickly that the stories were not the same at all.  Abraham took his OWN dreams into his hands.  That is why it was a mistake.  He was acting on selfish motives simply because he wanted a son.  David was not chasing his own desires.  There was no earthly desire in David appeased by going against Goliath…only the desire to defend the True God and make His name greater.  The conclusion is clear, and I have said and recognized this in myself before, but I don’t think really managed to change it yet.  I am still in the place Abraham was, where I think I have to manage my desires myself in order for them to come to pass, instead of David’s state of mind, where my desire has ceased to be for my own glorification and is instead only for God’s.  James 4 says, “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”  That was Abraham and that is me.  But chasing your own desires is not the way to receiving the promises of God.

Psalm 37 says it like four different ways: “Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land and verily thou shalt be fed.  Delight thyself also in the Lord, and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart.  Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass.  And He shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.  Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him.”

I don’t think that can be very much more clear, and as I also stated in my “Hope, Take III” post, it says the desires of your heart and the promises of God come to pass when our hope is in Him, when our first thought is Him…not when we are out trying to make our own destinies. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about needing people.  I am not good at needing people, if you were wondering.  I don’t think I really know how.  When there is someone who I think I ought to be able to need, and they are not coming through, I get angry and it shows as anger, which does not make that person more likely to come through, but it makes them push away.  I’m realizing that because of this inability to need, I feel like I am always the needed one.  This might not be true.  Or maybe it is true, and it is because of my self-sufficient aura that I attract people who are more needy than I am.  When I am around others, I feel constantly “on”.  I feel like super-responsible, together me has to kick in for me to be any use to others.  And so it does…but to the detriment of my own psyche.  I don’t know how to relax in front of other human beings, especially if I am at a particularly weak state myself…because I don’t know how to show that to anyone.  I only know how to be strong.  And so it creates in me this sort of resentment towards other people…like it is their fault that I cannot relax and be weak around them.  And in contrast, when I am alone, it is such a relief that I feel I have nothing at all left to give to anyone, and God becomes one of those “people” who needs something from me.  So, I rebel and do pointless things as if to say, “I deserve some time to be free of the demands of society, of You.”  But God is not those people.  And even if my feelings of always being needed and having no one to need in humans is true, my responses to it are flawed and sinful.  This feeling is not where God wants me.  It’s the lie that Satan tells me in order to render me ineffective.  God does require things of me, but they are things that will teach me how to properly interact with others so that these feelings are countered.  They are the things that will allow me to relax in life and be who He wants me to be, not who I want other people to see.  They are the things that will teach me how to chase His dreams and not my own.


1 Comment

  1. Zephaniah317 said,

    March 19, 2008 at 9:10 pm

    I can relate with the whole inability to relax. Thanks for sharing. Now, you’ve been able to diagnose a lot of stuff here, and it’s a good thing, so…any idea why you feel this way? Ask God about it? He’s definitely on your side and wants to see you grow through and past this.
    I only ask because I’m in the same boat a lot here lately. 🙂

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