Nothing to Give

I wrote a very factual post earlier today, but it didn’t really have very much meat.  It had been so long since I wrote one, I think I felt the need for excuses, and since I had pretty good ones, that was easy.  But now I’ve been sitting here with my leg elevated all day like they told me to (I have a staph infection if you didn’t read the earlier post), and that leaves a lot of time for reflection.  OK, so I didn’t actually spend much time reflecting, I just had a sort of an epiphany.  I spent a lot of time surfing the internet and working on a story I am writing, which sometimes turns into reflection for me.

Anyway, I was thinking about my recent life situations and choices.  Everything I have been trying to do lately is because I am at a point where I feel like I have nothing to give.  Not just to other people or whatever…but to jobs and to chores and to basic life functions.  I want to hand over all responsibilities and decision-making to someone else.  This is another reason I decided to live in a tent; less “things” to fool with, less decisions to make, less stuff to do. 

My work environments have been making me crazy.  See, I purposely choose jobs which give me very little responsibility for decision making.  I don’t care about jobs enough to have to figure things out for them.  If you give me a straight-forward task, I will do it well, probably better and faster than most, but I can’t stand it when I start feeling like I am in charge of something.  That’s why when I got to the point managing a Chick-fil-A when I probably could have had my own store, I left.  My philosophy: “It’s just chicken.”  Who really cares about chicken?   Ummm, not me. 

I figured out then, that I did not want positions of authority.  The annoying thing is that they always seem to find me.  People figure out I am not stupid and start giving me real work along with whatever purposefully simple job I have taken on, i.e. repetitive data entry, waiting tables, answering e-mails. 

You may be thinking, “Why don’t you just say no?”  But I DO say no to 90% of the requests.  Example 1: Do you want to take some classes on X for me?  No, I am really not that interested.  Example 2: Will you do some internet marketing for me? No, I have absolutely no skills in that, and am not interested in learning them.

But the 10% that I concede always ends up being enough to make me want to pull my hair out and quit.  I am not sure what to do about this, but it works its way into the rest of my life as well, and I find myself feeling that I have nothing to give to anyone, unless I feel like giving it at that exact moment. 

So, I am in a place now, where I think I feel MORE like I have nothing to give than ever.  Hence the tent.  Very few bills=much less work=fewer requirements for my brain.  Or are there jobs that don’t require you to think?  Because all of the ones I have tried have engaged my thoughts far too much.

Am I the only person with this problem?

I do know that God is who I am supposed to hand all of that decision making to, but I don’t think I am supposed to hand over all of the responsibilities, although that is what I feel like doing. 

So, now, possibly for the first time ever, you get a post before I am trying to pretend I have it figured out.

Advertisements

Published by

tastethesea

My husband and I live with our two cats in the North GA mountains, where people from Florida retire. We joke that we retired here - we just haven't stopped working yet. We own a cleaning business, and though it's definitely not easier than having a 9-5, we enjoy the autonomy it offers. I also sell my collage art and released a fantasy book called "The Worlds Next Door" in 2017. It's similar to The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. Links and social media info for both below! Book Website: https://www.cewhitebooks.com/ Book Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cewhitebooks/ Book Twitter: https://twitter.com/cewhitebooks Art Website: https://www.cewhiteart.com/ Art Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cewhiteartist/ Art Twitter: https://twitter.com/cewhiteart

3 thoughts on “Nothing to Give”

  1. Wow…a post before you have it all figured out. Way to go! 🙂

    Although, I have to say, please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m getting a negative vibe from the word “pretend” in that last sentence.

    Hope your leg gets better soon (but not sooner than God wants it to!)

  2. You say living in a tent equals “less ‘things’ to fool with, less decisions to make, less stuff to do.” In my opinion, tent dwelling equals more to fool with — you have to go somewhere else to shower, do your laundry and get mail (among other things), assuming you are now renting a PO box. I would feel so limited in a tent, like I couldn’t do ANYTHING there. But, different strokes for different folks. 😉

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s