I wrote a very factual post earlier today, but it didn’t really have very much meat. It had been so long since I wrote one, I think I felt the need for excuses, and since I had pretty good ones, that was easy. But now I’ve been sitting here with my leg elevated all day like they told me to (I have a staph infection if you didn’t read the earlier post), and that leaves a lot of time for reflection. OK, so I didn’t actually spend much time reflecting, I just had a sort of an epiphany. I spent a lot of time surfing the internet and working on a story I am writing, which sometimes turns into reflection for me.
Anyway, I was thinking about my recent life situations and choices. Everything I have been trying to do lately is because I am at a point where I feel like I have nothing to give. Not just to other people or whatever…but to jobs and to chores and to basic life functions. I want to hand over all responsibilities and decision-making to someone else. This is another reason I decided to live in a tent; less “things” to fool with, less decisions to make, less stuff to do.
My work environments have been making me crazy. See, I purposely choose jobs which give me very little responsibility for decision making. I don’t care about jobs enough to have to figure things out for them. If you give me a straight-forward task, I will do it well, probably better and faster than most, but I can’t stand it when I start feeling like I am in charge of something. That’s why when I got to the point managing a Chick-fil-A when I probably could have had my own store, I left. My philosophy: “It’s just chicken.” Who really cares about chicken? Ummm, not me.
I figured out then, that I did not want positions of authority. The annoying thing is that they always seem to find me. People figure out I am not stupid and start giving me real work along with whatever purposefully simple job I have taken on, i.e. repetitive data entry, waiting tables, answering e-mails.
You may be thinking, “Why don’t you just say no?” But I DO say no to 90% of the requests. Example 1: Do you want to take some classes on X for me? No, I am really not that interested. Example 2: Will you do some internet marketing for me? No, I have absolutely no skills in that, and am not interested in learning them.
But the 10% that I concede always ends up being enough to make me want to pull my hair out and quit. I am not sure what to do about this, but it works its way into the rest of my life as well, and I find myself feeling that I have nothing to give to anyone, unless I feel like giving it at that exact moment.
So, I am in a place now, where I think I feel MORE like I have nothing to give than ever. Hence the tent. Very few bills=much less work=fewer requirements for my brain. Or are there jobs that don’t require you to think? Because all of the ones I have tried have engaged my thoughts far too much.
Am I the only person with this problem?
I do know that God is who I am supposed to hand all of that decision making to, but I don’t think I am supposed to hand over all of the responsibilities, although that is what I feel like doing.
So, now, possibly for the first time ever, you get a post before I am trying to pretend I have it figured out.