Nothing to Give

I wrote a very factual post earlier today, but it didn’t really have very much meat.  It had been so long since I wrote one, I think I felt the need for excuses, and since I had pretty good ones, that was easy.  But now I’ve been sitting here with my leg elevated all day like they told me to (I have a staph infection if you didn’t read the earlier post), and that leaves a lot of time for reflection.  OK, so I didn’t actually spend much time reflecting, I just had a sort of an epiphany.  I spent a lot of time surfing the internet and working on a story I am writing, which sometimes turns into reflection for me.

Anyway, I was thinking about my recent life situations and choices.  Everything I have been trying to do lately is because I am at a point where I feel like I have nothing to give.  Not just to other people or whatever…but to jobs and to chores and to basic life functions.  I want to hand over all responsibilities and decision-making to someone else.  This is another reason I decided to live in a tent; less “things” to fool with, less decisions to make, less stuff to do. 

My work environments have been making me crazy.  See, I purposely choose jobs which give me very little responsibility for decision making.  I don’t care about jobs enough to have to figure things out for them.  If you give me a straight-forward task, I will do it well, probably better and faster than most, but I can’t stand it when I start feeling like I am in charge of something.  That’s why when I got to the point managing a Chick-fil-A when I probably could have had my own store, I left.  My philosophy: “It’s just chicken.”  Who really cares about chicken?   Ummm, not me. 

I figured out then, that I did not want positions of authority.  The annoying thing is that they always seem to find me.  People figure out I am not stupid and start giving me real work along with whatever purposefully simple job I have taken on, i.e. repetitive data entry, waiting tables, answering e-mails. 

You may be thinking, “Why don’t you just say no?”  But I DO say no to 90% of the requests.  Example 1: Do you want to take some classes on X for me?  No, I am really not that interested.  Example 2: Will you do some internet marketing for me? No, I have absolutely no skills in that, and am not interested in learning them.

But the 10% that I concede always ends up being enough to make me want to pull my hair out and quit.  I am not sure what to do about this, but it works its way into the rest of my life as well, and I find myself feeling that I have nothing to give to anyone, unless I feel like giving it at that exact moment. 

So, I am in a place now, where I think I feel MORE like I have nothing to give than ever.  Hence the tent.  Very few bills=much less work=fewer requirements for my brain.  Or are there jobs that don’t require you to think?  Because all of the ones I have tried have engaged my thoughts far too much.

Am I the only person with this problem?

I do know that God is who I am supposed to hand all of that decision making to, but I don’t think I am supposed to hand over all of the responsibilities, although that is what I feel like doing. 

So, now, possibly for the first time ever, you get a post before I am trying to pretend I have it figured out.

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3 Comments

  1. zephaniah317 said,

    June 7, 2008 at 7:40 am

    Wow…a post before you have it all figured out. Way to go! 🙂

    Although, I have to say, please don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m getting a negative vibe from the word “pretend” in that last sentence.

    Hope your leg gets better soon (but not sooner than God wants it to!)

  2. Ariah Fine said,

    June 10, 2008 at 8:10 am

    I pray everything gets healed, sorry for the difficulties.

  3. Amy said,

    June 10, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    You say living in a tent equals “less ‘things’ to fool with, less decisions to make, less stuff to do.” In my opinion, tent dwelling equals more to fool with — you have to go somewhere else to shower, do your laundry and get mail (among other things), assuming you are now renting a PO box. I would feel so limited in a tent, like I couldn’t do ANYTHING there. But, different strokes for different folks. 😉


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