I think (really I know) that I’ve mentioned in the past how I have recognized when I get that desperate, grasping, panicking feeling about something, it is never from God. It is always me stressing about making sure I am getting what I want or what I think I need, and not trusting God to do it. So, as time goes on, I learn to recognize it more and more quickly, and back off when I’m pushing for something because of that feeling. Well, that happened last week.
See, I’ve been pretty broke…yes, I know I live in a tent and all, but between the staph infection bills and having to get a new car (another story for another day) and the unexpected shortage of work I’ve been having, well, let’s just say I’m not really getting ahead. I was “making it” before when I had rent, and now I’m “making it” without it. So, God knew what He was doing because if I had rent right now, well, I’d be gettin’ kicked out for not paying it or going into major debt one of the two.
In response to this, I have been evaluating whether it might be time to get a “real” job instead of all of the random things I count on, especially since I cut out the nannying, which to be fair, is part of the reason (not all of it) for my shortage of work, and was a decision I made myself.
But, in all of it, I have not felt out of God’s will. At one point, I asked Him if He wanted me to be out pounding the pavement looking for work, and I got a “No. Just keep doing what you’re doing. I’ve got it.” So, I’ve been doing a lot of writing that I felt was God-inspired, and, let’s be honest, a lot of relaxing.
So, a friend of mine brings up a job that is about to come open at the same place she works. She said it’s a great environment, the same position she holds, just in a different department. She works closely with them, and says that if she were looking for a job, she would want that one. She asks if I would be interested, and I said, well, maybe. She told the supervisor for that position (who she is good friends with) about me, and that girl seemed excited about the possibility & said she would keep a lookout for my application. I’m thinking this is God’s provision and a great opportunity at this point.
When the job posted, my friend sent me the link and the job code to apply online, but for over a week, I couldn’t get the website to come up. So, after that week, I started to get panicky…did I mention I’m really broke…so I called my friend. “Can you get the website to come up?” She tries, and she can’t. So, she said she’d call HR and see what the deal was, and I said OK. She wasn’t at work yet.
But a couple of hours later, I realized that I was having that feeling I started telling you about…the one where I am graspy and stressed out about missing something I need. The one I get when I am trying to control God instead of letting Him take charge of my life. So, I let go. I called my friend. “Don’t call HR. If I’m supposed to get it, it will work out.” And she didn’t.
Two days later, she calls me – the supervisor for the position called her and was flipping out because she just found out that the HR website had been down since the job posted so as of yet, they had 0 applicants, and need to fill the position by a deadline. So, the supervisor asked if I would forward my resume directly to her.
Haha. Thanks, God. When I let go, instead of me grasping for making sure I got my resume to these people, THEY were grasping for me to get it to them. Now, this doesn’t mean I’m going to get the job. But even if I don’t, it was a lesson of how letting God handle stuff instead of pushing because you’re scared is much more effective.
As a disclaimer, I think that sometimes God wants us to push. I’m just starting to recognize when I’m pushing because He wants me to and when I’m pushing out of fear and distrust that He can handle it.